14 Apr 2003 | paul said...

yes, but everyone will think you (the man) is gay...hehe.

i've got a bunch of female friends, and sex doesn't get in the way. my female friends are simply women i like spending time with that i don't want to get into the sack. and that's not putting them down in anyway, there's just not that sexual attraction present (most likely for both parties).

14 Apr 2003 | Ry Rivard said...

Being in the 21st or any century has nothing to do with it, it's not a social trend, though society effects the degree to which it takes hold, but this is human nature. Of course, this is the 21st Century, and human nature is about to change.

14 Apr 2003 | Steve said...

Difficult to do, but not impossible.

14 Apr 2003 | jazer said...

Difficult? I don't think so. I have plenty of female friends for whom I feel no attraction -- in fact they are some of my best friends.

But, I do have a girlfriend. When I didn't have a girlfriend I found myself thinking of my female friends in a different light...

14 Apr 2003 | Mat said...

I agree with jazer, having a wife or partner makes it easier to not mis-interpret things, which is something many men are prone to doing.

14 Apr 2003 | Neil said...

I actually have better friendships with women than men. I find my relationships with men tend to revolve around "things" - music, sports, the web stuff, etc, where as my relationship with women tends to be deeper, and more fulfilling.

Again, I have a longtime girlfriend, though, so that does help... but I have had a couple of (rare) ocassions when signals were crossed a bit. But that's life, right?

14 Apr 2003 | Misanthropyst said...

No.

[Now that we've gotten that cleared up...]

14 Apr 2003 | Misogynist said...

That all depends....is she hot?

14 Apr 2003 | B said...

Yeah, I can be, but I don't trust any other guy. Hell no. No way. Me, yes. Him, NO.

14 Apr 2003 | bah said...

Yes it is possible.

Most of my friends are men; while I can count the number of women I am good friends with on my hands. My roommate is male, we've lived together for three years, and we haven't had any complications.

14 Apr 2003 | Lucid Drake said...

My take is yes, it can be done, but only after intimacy has been concluded. Wanting to be intimate with a woman is part of what makes me attracted to her. If after being intimate, things don't work out, I have no problem being "just friends". Would I be friends with a woman I wasn't attracted to? Of course. But the amount of time I devote to such a relationship may be meager compared to a woman I am both mentally and physically attracted to.

The great thing about this question is that everyone has their own take. Of course, the answer is subjective, but I would agree that the answer of "No" would hold true for the majority of straight males.

14 Apr 2003 | jazer said...

I just realized it's really hard to tell (in most of these posts) whether the poster is male or female...

15 Apr 2003 | alisha said...

Sexual attractions come and go. They mean nothing. Its easy to be friends with an attractive person and just enjoy hanging with them. Absolutely yes, men and women can be good friends. Besides, getting a know a person well takes away the mystery and excitement you feel in the beginning.

15 Apr 2003 | hurley#1 said...

My four closest friends are women, and while we are "just" friends, there's always been an element of zing in the relationships. Occasionally the zing factor takes over--I've ended up in bed with three of these women at various times in my life (no, not all three at once!)--but in each case we have managed to tame it and maintain a close friendship. I don't view the sexual attraction as a "complication" or something to struggle with; it's just part of the relationship that we acknowledge is there even if we don't act on it.

What is difficult and complicated is when I'm in a relationship with a woman who feels jealous of my female friends. It's understandable, but hard to deal with. I'm very loyal to my friends and have been close to them for a long time (18 years in one case). It's hard to have to distance myself from them in order to appease a jealous partner. The great thing about these extraordinary friends of mine is that they understand, and they don't make me feel even worse by being jealous in return. And that makes me love them even more.

15 Apr 2003 | Toby said...

Complication? Sex is a complication? Life is complicated, my friend, sex is probably the easiest thing there is: we were born to do. (Heck, some of us were born to do it repeatedly.)

To be honest, it is easier to remain friends if you had sex first and then a relationship -- provided that the sex was good. Bad sex, especially if it was your fault, will always be a 'thing' that will come between you (no pun intended).

If you have a friendship and then sex, things get trickier. If things work out, wonderful (I ended up married that way). If things don't work out, then...give it time...just be sure to end the 'fucking part' of the relationship smoothly. It will be awkward at first, but things eventually go back to normal.

Bad sex after you are already friends can be dangerous. (But, I know some of you ask: is there really such a thing as bad sex? Yes, dear, there is...sometimes two people just can't fuck well together.) In some cases, it relieves a lot of tension because you know you aren't compatible. In other instances it can just make life awkward and miserable. Again, time heals.

Above all, be nice to people and don't play with their feelings. And never, ever fuck a needy person or a hurt person. It is bad for your soul.

15 Apr 2003 | JFR said...

I'm friends with you, aren't I Jason;)

15 Apr 2003 | jarrod said...

I think it can work if both parties are open to share their feelings. I got screwed over and almost lost one of my best friends, because after time, I fell completely infatuated with her and didn't want to "risk the friendship" by telling her. If I would have, she would have understood and things would have worked out fine, even if she didn't feel the same way. I think that if you don't trust the friend enough to tell them that you're attracted to them, you should re-evaluate the friendship from the ground up.

15 Apr 2003 | Jesper said...

I think by sex he means gender or perhaps survival instinct, not the sexual act.

15 Apr 2003 | Will said...

Sexual tension is half the fun, isn't it?

Don't hate the player, hate the game.

15 Apr 2003 | yuckmouth said...

Most of my girl friends, I have slept with. Some, more than once. Others, just once. Some, more than once on the same day. Others, just once and left it at that. More than one at the same time? Happened more than once. All of them at the same time? Never.

15 Apr 2003 | Roggy Doggy said...

yawn.

15 Apr 2003 | Don Schenck said...

My problem is, women just keep hitting on me and hitting on me all the time. It's a curse, I tell ya.

*COUGH*BULLSHIT*COUGH*

15 Apr 2003 | velvetjones said...

fuck 'em all and let god sort it out.

15 Apr 2003 | Cam said...

A lot of the women i've dated have ended up being good friends. I get regular phone calls from these women whenever they have a little life crisis. It's probably because I'm a good listener and they know that I won't take advantage of them when they are in a vulnerable position.

I also like having a lot of female friends because then I get to play matchmaker with my single male friends. Getting your buddy laid does wonders for a male friendship.

16 Apr 2003 | alisha said...

This is juicy stuff. You all must be lusty studs with red porsches - you guys get laid more often than pornostars.

16 Apr 2003 | Mr. Nosuch said...

The coder in me wants to point out that the question of "Can a man and woman be friends" is actually a specific instance of the more general question of "Can two people be friends if sexual attraction is an issue.

The implied assumption to the original question is "of course a man would want to have sex with a woman," but in these days of more complex sexuality, I think it wise to consider all the options.

After all, it's a question of attraction, not gender.

16 Apr 2003 | Don Schenck said...

Not me alisha ... I'm married!! :-)

16 Apr 2003 | indi said...

Hey Don, I'm with you ... I'm married too.

I used to have a lot of female friends. Being married to a jealous woman cured that. Yeah, it's tough losing contact with good friends, but sometimes you gotta choose the future over the past.

To be honest, my wife was only jealous over the attractive ones ... and they wouldn't have slept with me anyway!

16 Apr 2003 | alisha said...

indi, thats sad. I think jealousy is a lack of trust or self confidence. Its definately a destructive waste of time. Maybe you should try to help your wife.

16 Apr 2003 | alisha said...

no Don, of course not you :-)

16 Apr 2003 | indi said...

Alisha, thanks for your comments. It is a sad waste of time but really only represents a very small fraction of our relationship. I've always felt it stems from a sense of insecurity on her part, so I make sure she knows she's stuck with me come hell or high water. We've been married for over seven years now and have a five year old daughter, so it's mostly an old issue (mostly :-)

16 Apr 2003 | FutureDoc said...

Are you kidding? There are a couple of ladies I am friends with through work that I would damn near pay to get with (especially the Vietnamese)....

Friends with beautiful women? Works only if there is something (like marriage, homosexuality, timidity, stupidity) that is keeping you from making an ass of yourself by propositioning her/them.

16 Apr 2003 | wink said...

i think all of us might have missed the point of the post... is su having a moment? experiencing the delimma? welcome to the party. have fun and do what feels right.

17 Apr 2003 | alisha said...

Indi, maybe its her age. Young people tend to be more insecure.
Sounds like she has a very thoughtful husband and has nothing to worry about. :-)

I like the fact that men are uncomplicated. Im friends with all my ex-boyfriends - all except for the ones who were overly jealous. Just goes to show you - nothing positive comes from jealousy.

17 Apr 2003 | Cindy said...

Absolutely - men and women can be friends! I find it really interesting to me reading the different perspectives from men and women. From reading some of the male perspectives (or at least those I'm reading as male), you would think it wouldn't really be possible.

One of my very dearest friends is a guy that I have known since Kindergarten, never dated, never talked about dating. (Excluding the whole "My Best Friends Wedding" pact we had.) He's now engaged and his dear finance has asked me to stand up with her in the wedding. I have at least three other guy friends with whom I have the same type of relationship as I do my gal friends - even down to staying the night with each other, in the same bed - no issues. None.

It IS possible, and fantastic to be REAL friends with people of the opposite sex. It just takes openness and communication.

17 Apr 2003 | blueballs said...

I have at least three other guy friends with whom I have the same type of relationship as I do my gal friends - even down to staying the night with each other, in the same bed - no issues. None.

That's what you think.

18 Apr 2003 | mini-d said...

I've had several problems with this issue... but i didn't had anyone when the girl that was my friend isn't pretty sexy...

19 Apr 2003 | nam said...

what should you choose between money and sex ?

21 Apr 2003 | f@#$! expert said...

funny RSU, recent times bring me to the same question. why does it seem that dating always changes everything? is it worth the risk of compromising the "happy people" status we currently enjoy?

21 Apr 2003 | SU said...

Dear f@#$! expert,

why does it seem that dating always changes everything?

Dating will obviously change many things but it doesn't have to change the friendship negatively. I know a couple here (Boulder, CO), in fact, who started out as friends because they didn't want to wreck what they had. They took a risk on each other and deepened their friendship in the process of dating for over a year. They're now engaged. Interacting with them, you can tell they're great friends and strong individuals. Maybe Steve and Christina, as I'll call the couple above, aren't the norm, but they show that friendships don't always have to tank when dating begins.

For me, at least, I'd like to hope I'm not 100% doomed to repeat my past. With luck, the past has been a good teacher (no matter how much we enjoy living in the present).

is it worth the risk of compromising the "happy people" status we currently enjoy?

Not knowing the specifics of your situation, I can't really provide concrete answers. But I like rock climbing from time to time, so bare with the analogy:

I think there comes a time when you both have to decide, individually, if you prefer a comfortable seat at the base of the mountain or climbing on the sharp end. Even if leading a daring, 8-pitch route scares the shit out of you -- even if you're going to have rough moments to overcome -- when you gaze up at the 1200ft. cliff, does it seem intriguing enough to make you want to climb it and see what happens at the crux?

04 Jun 2003 | frankie said...

Can men and women be friends? I think most women think so ...or say so, to the many men who kept lusting after these women. So, the easy way out...without hurting the feelings too much...is of course to tell them to be just friends. Since women are the ones being pursued, they have the luxury to decide to keep as friends or more then friends, on the other hand, if a man is interested in a woman, we already knew he is interested in that woman as a potential mate, and the friendship thing is just a short period, long enough to "sell" himself.

06 Jun 2003 | Andrea said...

I think women and men can be friends. The only time to be cautious is when you are in a relationship. It's hard on your partner when you have a strong emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex when they are trying to achieve that with you. It can almost amount to "emotional" cheating. I don't know if I'm making any sense here, but I've had problems with that in my life.
I love having men friends, but they are all just about good times and laughs. When it comes to my best male friend of all, the one I share everything with, that would have to be my boyfriend.

Cheers!

06 Jun 2003 | Andrea said...

I would also like to add a question.

"Would you be ok with your romantic partner having a best friend who is of the opposite sex?"

Usually, when we wonder about wether men and women can be friends, we think "of course I can have a friend of the opposite sex, no problem". But would we have a problem if the tables were turned?

Cheers!

19 Jun 2003 | Marg said...

Maybe someone can help me out here. I have been dating this guys off and on for about a year. He broke it off with me in January and says I am his best friend. We continued to be intimate (exclusive) but he says he does not want me as his girlfriend but I am his best friend. I have tried to explain to him that this puts me on an emotional roller coaster. We were spending all our weekends together, but during the week he wants to be out chasing skirts. We recently were planning to go to London for 10 days together, but I backed out and told him that I just cannot go with someone who considers me just a friend and not his girlfriend. He said he is sad and that I am his best friend and wants to be with me but does not want to date me. We go round and round and I don't know how to fix this since we are best friends.
Does this make any sense? Can anyone give me advice on what to do??

22 Jun 2003 | frankie said...

I think Men and women are too different to be friends, I am not talking about simple friends that you only call once in a while just to socialize. I also believe that when a person says he/she has a close/best friend of the opposite sex, he/she is not telling the whole story. There has to be an explanation or more for someone to be so closed to his/her best friend yet the question of a love relationship would not cross his/her mind? I don't buy that. We are all picky about who we want to spend the rest of our lives with. Of course we are not going to tell our best friend of the opposite sex that the reason we didn't go any further is because you have a bigger nose than I want my mate to have but otherwise, we are best friends, at the same time, your best friend does not want to go any further with you because she doesn't want to date a short guy...which you are! Of course, there are other reasons of circumstances like if he already has a girlfriend, or not ready for a relationship. But if the condition is right, I can't see how a man and a woman who had come a long way to be the best of friends are not tempted to make the best of it...to become more then friends! By the way, I can't think of any movie or show on screen that ends well enough with the man and woman being friend!

02 Jul 2003 | Mellymel said...

So, I've had the opposite happen to me recently! I'm a woman who had a guy tell me he just wanted to be friends! I could have lived with it had we not been somewhat intimate and romantically involved prior to him wanting to just be friends. He said he wasn't ready for a sexual relationship (after having gotten out of a bad relationship several months ago).

I finally ended it with him as I still had some romantic feelings toward him and it was frustrating me. It was making me feel very "dissed" by him because he came on very strong in the beginning and then completely shut down and wanted to be just friends. It confused the hell out of me!

I didn't want to end the relationship, but I knew I would continue wanting more than a friendship from him....

Mel

18 Jul 2003 | Rick said...

Men and women can be friends if they are single! BOTTOM line. Human nature men alwasy feel they can prove something somehow! So to all you ladies whos men are hanging out with the opposite sex. Tell them its not right and vie-versa. Chris Rock hit the head on the nail in one of his routines. He says "Women who have guy friends only have them because its EMERGENCY dick"

22 Jul 2003 | dale daniels jr. said...

I absolutely think that men and women can just be friends i have quite a few friends that i dont think sexually about
dale daniels

22 Jul 2003 | Dale Daniels J.R. said...

my best friends are chicks and we get along great without anything remotely sexual in mind and i am heterosexual to the fullest i think its because the way my friends carry them selves not like sluts that why i have so much respect for them .

28 Jul 2003 | Woman in Austin said...

I'm a woman, and I have always had more men friends than women. I was just reminded in the last two weeks why that is so. IN GENERAL, women tend to be more emotionally high-maintenance than men, even in friendships. It's too draining and exhausting for me to be friends with most women! I'm not wired that way!

I know I'm unusual, but I get all the fulfillment and deep, touchy-feely stuff I want in my marriage. I don't DO high-maintenance friendships. One thing I really appreciate about most (straight) men is that they're emotionally low-maintenance as friends. The friendships that center around certain activities or things? I love it! That's all I'm looking for!
I have two paddling partners right now that I haven't seen in months because they're in Colorado. When they show up next month, that'll be great. If they were women, I'd have been overwhelmed by e-mail and phone calls by now.

What I truly hate (which happened in the last two weeks) is when a friendship-lite is going along just fine, and then the other party (a woman) has to go and try to take it up a notch, by giving me an embarrassingly-valuable birthday gift and obsessing over whether or not I come to a casual party they're having. That creeps me out.

Low-maintenance friendships for me!

30 Jul 2003 | scott said...

if one person is physically attracted, and the other is not, then the answer is NO.

if niether are physically attracted, then the answer is YES.

if both are physically attracted, well, that's a whole different ball game.

04 Aug 2003 | Jayjay said...

I have a friend, whose hub has many female friends. She knew of these prior to marrying him, he said he shared in the usual girl chat over various activities, if you get my drift.etcetc. Wife was cool over this, till after they were married she found he was STILL a tad more infatuated with what they were up to , who they were having sex with and details of genitalia in abundance. Oh and he was also sending them pics of naked men...y'know for analytical purposes blah blah. ( also explains why he never wanted them to meet upwith wife)
Wife discovered that some of these 'friends' were old girlfriends . ( via mysterious phone call )
Anyhow I labor my point. My friend is now having to make a tough decision. She can't bear the fact that he is still indulging this way, even without being physically involved. She wouldn't mind if he shared it in some way. He had himself said he didn't need that thing now that he had her.
So as for the guy and girl being friends thing. I don't think a man can truly be friends without him wondering if he will get any further with the girl. I've yet to know anyone who seriously hasn't contemplated asking the so called friend if they would go that one step further.
My friend doesn't know whether she is coming or going. He says she is his world. So why the hell not get his kicks at home where they are available.
Any wise words would be helpful. if none available, humour is welcome as it's difficult writing in the third person as you've probably guessed by now.

23 Aug 2003 | Violet said...

Well me and my best (girl) friend are really good friends with a bunch of guys, hell we only have 2 girlfriends and at least 5 close guy friends. It is possible to be "just friends" but being friends with the opposite sex also gives you the ability to flirt, plus if your upset sometimes a girls shoulder just isn't enough to cry on, and no one is as comforting as a guy when he sees a girl upset. I'd never trade my guy friends for the world!

07 Dec 2003 | platinum said...

Guys please advice on this - i love to go out dance and have fun and i like to hang out with the guy's. Now, of course there is more of a flirting tone with men but i don't try to leed them om more then they me and i don't understand why it seams when guy's get attracted and you try to give let them understand i would'nt want to go to bed or get involved they get disepointed!! i know that most men find me quit attractive but because of this situation i actually have to spend weekend nights alone feeling pritty lonely as my girlfriends are not part types and i also find girl talk a bit boring..... now, how do i manage to keep the men i meet as friends without them feeling hurt or disepointed? or are men not interesed in keeping good looking girl just friends to hang around with?

09 Dec 2003 | DANCER said...

Platinum - I expect men are attracted to you because your spelling is absolutely brilliant!

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