It’s untoward to bash someone publicly. I’ve done it before and I always end up feeling horrible about it later. I’ve found that the longer it takes you to feel bad about it, the more work you have left to do on yourself. I’ve worked hard to stop doing it, and I don’t do it anymore.
Of course this doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have strong opinions, or withhold public disagreement on a specific decision. Every decision demands dissent. But bashing isn’t disagreeing. It’s bashing. Bashing is about tone (overly aggressive or passive aggressive), it’s about time (often tied to a knee-jerk reaction), it’s about outcome (if the point is just to make yourself feel good, then you’re just talking out loud to yourself). It often signals a lack of information (on your part).
You don’t change someone’s mind by telling them they’re an idiot. When’s the last time someone changed your mind that way?
A good trick that helped me cool myself down a couple years back was to institute a personal “1:1 bash ratio”. I didn’t always hold myself to it, but basically it went like this… Before every external bash, I had to bash myself first. If I’m going to bitch about someone else’s work, what about my work? If I have a problem with how someone runs their company, how about how I run mine? If I’m going to complain loudly about someone else’s point of view, what about mine? Are there any flaws in my way of thinking? There must be, so what are they? What am I getting completely wrong?
This isn’t a new idea, of course. “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones” – that’s been around forever. But what I like about the 1:1 ratio is that it’s not saying you shouldn’t strongly criticize – it’s saying that you owe yourself one before you dish one out to someone else. Avoiding a harsh criticism doesn’t help you learn like harshly criticizing yourself helps you learn. And eventually it helps you realize how often you’re breathing fire. Ultimately you may not want to do it anymore.
Don Schenck
on 13 Mar 13You’re an idiot.
(Could NOT resist)
Don Schenck
on 13 Mar 13I REALLY wanted to write “your” just for added “affect”. :)
Swami Atma
on 13 Mar 13Don is funny. Twice.
Sara
on 13 Mar 13@Jason Fried
I hope your partner DHH reads this post and learns a thing or two.
Tim
on 13 Mar 13If anyone is married or thinking about getting married, they should really consider this post. On top of learning how to listen, learning how to analyze your own behavior is a huge step in the right direction.
Brian Blank
on 13 Mar 13Good way of thinking and something I’ve tried to live by for a while. Some people work and live in highly visible positions and more exposed to the bash. People have to imagine, what if their boss took to Twitter to provide feedback on a report? How would THAT feel? “Can’t believe Person turned in this #$%^& report??? #ReportFail” Probably not too good. I know I’d hate it. Thanks for vocalizing this Jason.
Matt
on 13 Mar 13There was also someone very famous who once said, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
Don Schenck
on 13 Mar 13A related, interesting point:
Being “humble” isn’t being able to say “I’m no good” and “I’m nothing special” and “I made a big mistake”, etc, etc.
It’s accepting it when someone else says those things about you.
Jason Fried
on 13 Mar 13Don, that’s a great insight.
Anonymous Coward
on 13 Mar 13The Wisdom of Dale Carnegie persists through the decades!
Anonymous Coward
on 13 Mar 13I feel this post bashes people who bash people.
ecbp
on 13 Mar 13@sara I don’t know how DHH acts in private, but the public criticisms I’ve read from him have had more to do with critiquing an idea or activity rather than a person. At least that’s been the way I’ve read them.
Shining light on negative activity or challenging ideas is a virtue; it’s right in line with this post.
Craig Davey
on 13 Mar 13+1:+1
Tom Ordonez
on 13 Mar 13Is this about Marissa Mayer? She deserves it though.
Mike
on 13 Mar 13I think there’s a difference between positive criticism and negative criticism.
I don’t think we need to the 1:1 ratio for positive criticism, but I see how it could be valuable for negative criticism.
But I don’t think that negative criticism has any place in a creative industry such as this one.
Nathan
on 13 Mar 13Thanks for sharing a great tool. I think it’s worth doing even when I criticize somebody in my private thoughts. I’m going to implement this right away.
@Don Schenck – hilarious!!
David Kadavy
on 14 Mar 13I’ve thought about this myself, when I want to cuss to myself about a product or service that isn’t working absolutely perfectly. Could I have done better? The answer may hypothetically be “yes.”
Then I look at how I run my own business: all of the things that I hope to get done, that don’t get done, all of the random mistakes I may discover after shipping something. Thank god I’m not running an airline or building mobile phones. Turns out, the answer in reality is probably “no.”
Another aspect of this is the general damage you do when you make criticisms that are unconstructive, hypersensitive, and/or personal. Having been on the receiving end of such criticisms plenty of times (I’m an author) I know personally what it feels like, and the first couple of times it can really interfere with your work.
But, the person making the criticism has done damage to themself: they’ve chosen to commit valuable mental and emotional energy towards criticizing someone else, when they could have used that same energy towards doing something productive with their own life.
Tonny
on 14 Mar 13Tell this to your partner DHH
GeeIWonder
on 14 Mar 13chosen to commit valuable mental and emotional energy
Not zero sum. Hit the gym, use that muscle.
I’m an author
I don’t want to pick on you here, but this raises an important point. There are people who write/post things for pure ego or as commerical, people who are purely trying to communicate/advocate ideas, and people who are somewhere in between.
While they may be the most easy to hold in contempt, the first of these groups doesn’t matter—unless they accidentally stumble into mattering.
Ideas are fair game though—more than that, even. If an idea is clearly wrong or misleading or transparently bigoted or advocating the lowest common denominator or otherwise contemptible AND a call to action, it’s almost a responsibility for good men and women to say something and try and pick that particular turd up off the sidewalk.
At a minimum, if it causes someone (probably a 3rd party) to think critically and/or seek additional resources before putting on a brown shirt then it’s worthwhile.
tobi
on 14 Mar 13I feel the best technique to avoid unnecessary conflict still is this question:
How would I express my thought if I was talking to him in person?
That doesn’t mean that I cannot assert critique. It just means that I treat him as an emotional human being.
Jason Fried
on 14 Mar 13Tobi – great technique too.
Rob
on 14 Mar 13“bashing” is a brash way to refer to giving feedback or communication in general.
One thing I have learned recently is to have a positive intent with a minimal charge when delivering feedback or any information.
When the delivery of the information is done without a negative emotional charge, and its communicated from a place of neutrality and without agenda, then the message can be received much easier with a great chance of the receiver actually hearing the message so it in turn has a positive impact (energy creating).
cici
on 14 Mar 13I think bashing is ultimately about judging someone and I don’t know anyone who likes to be judged.
Grover
on 15 Mar 13This may be the best thing I’ve ever read on this blog. It’s amazing how many people, especially smart people, don’t seem to understand this.
Hrishi Mittal
on 15 Mar 13Jason, thank you for writing this. This is why it’s such a joy to follow you on Twitter.
I’ve been trying to do the same recently and only tweet useful, positive stuff. After being snarky and complaining about life’s trivial inconveniences for so long, it’s a hard habit to break. But, it’s worth the effort. :-)
David Kadavy
on 15 Mar 13@GeelWonder are you saying that there is value to “criticisms that are unconstructive, hypersensitive, and/or personal?”
GeeIWonder
on 15 Mar 13@David:
No, I was saying what I said. :)
But, to play along: —depends on what you are trying to construct? Personal non-constructive nasty criticism can be non-constructive. Public discourse, even very nasty, can be reasonably argued to be constructive. Not all ideas are equal, and people are not entitled only to encouragement and positive feedback.
I don’t know that a criticism can be described as hypersensitive, which I would describe as a quality of a person. Or, according to my bathroom cabinet, a shaving cream. But, speaking of persons….
Personal? I was talking about ideas. People who are advocating whatever idea as incidental to their ego or commercial needs are explicitly dismissed in my comment above. If your ego is tied up in your ideas and your ideas are inflexible, then you’d best be able to defend them (or avoid scrutiny).
JonPaul
on 16 Mar 13Great post. Facebook post could use a screening tool to limit the stupid comments written by most. Then that person writes a later post saying “check your inbox”, most likely apologizing for bashing.
This discussion is closed.