On Writing posts show interesting copy from around the web.
Ambrosia Shaving Cream
Ambrosia Shaving Cream has some smooth copy:
This is the cream for sensitive faces, those that get so red and sore after shaving that it almost makes you want to grow a beard (well, almost!). Don’t expect it to lather; leaving out the soap is one way that we make it so mild. Don’t use it to shave by sight; it’s transparent. DO expect it to give you a smooth, close shave by softening the bristles with linseed and coca butter. Do expect it to leave your skin calm and smooth because of the honey, chamomile and marigold oil. This stuff makes mornings bearable; it changes lives.
Mosquito Trap Kit
The Mosquito Trap Kit provides a low-tech solution (a box fan plus a net) to a common problem (mosquitos).
Sid McCarty, the inventor of Skeeterbag, was a box fan virtuoso regulating the temperatures for every plant, animal, and dwelling the farm had to offer. Ventilating the puppy nursery one morning Sid suddenly noticed that all the mosquitoes had disappeared. He figured out that the fans were sucking the mosquitoes out of the building. Then he had an idea. That night he fashioned a simple mosquito net bag to the blowing end of a box fan and set it on the porch by the dogs to see what would happen. He and the kids counted out over 2,300 dead and dying mosquitoes in the bag the very next morning and rediscovered the porch for the first time since mosquito season started. My name is Mark Valentine and I came to Florida to test, develop, and turn my cousin’s idea into Skeeterbag. I couldn’t stand the thought of such a good idea not being shared with the world.
The site’s old description explained that “catching Mosquitoes is a lot easier than catching customers.”
I have learned that having a product that actually works 100% of the time is not believable. I have learned that the average customer would rather have a product that looks super cool, costs a ton of money, and doesn’t come close to doing what it says it will do more than a product that actually works and doesn’t look like much at all.
Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This
Elvis Costello once said writing about music is like dancing about architecture. In that case, Wayne Wadhams tangos nicely in his analysis of Eurythmics’ “Sweet Dreams Are Made Of This”, bringing the reader/listener deep inside the song. Even if you don’t get the music jargon, you know what he means.
Lennox’s rich, soulful voice enters, dry and sibilant. In eight terse lines, she surveys mankind’s dark, perverted motives. Like Martha in Edward Albee’s play, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf,” or Philip Marlowe, the protagonist of Joseph Conrad’s novella, “The Heart of Darkness,” Lennox pronounces that we are all jungle creatures, terrified by the eyes staring at us from the void.
The dual choruses are totally dry, stark, and devoid of emotion. In contrast, each release paints a pitiful, highly stylized picture of mankind’s lot. A whiplike snare drum drives the beat while the synths prowl over a variant of the original progression.
Two soulful voices harmonize plaintive “ooh’s” in deep reverb on the left, while a catlike lead vocal writhes and shouts from the depths of hell on the right. Chills creep up my spine as images of subterranean torture and abuse flash across my mind.
The bridge, announced by a momentary swish of preverb, is suddenly charged with energy. A constant sixteenth-note hi-hat spins a brittle web of tension on the left as the kick and whip-snare continue, stepping up to double-time in the final bars.
Synth chords rise through inversions of 1-minor and 4-minor chords, thicker and more harsh in each subsequent phrase. A bright, compressed piano enters on the right as a metallic, bell-like percussion jars our nerves, clanging on the left.
Over all this, two pairs of voices harmonize desperate advice from right and left. Lennox wails “Hold your head up” in breathy two-part soprano, then answers each repeat with a gravelly, baritone reading of “moving on.” The track grows denser and more threatening, depicting the confusion and adversity of the world. Meanwhile the combined vocals offer their grimly positive message: persevere!
Generic Footprint
Footprint Software = exhibit A of mindless buzzword usage.
Footprint Software are an e-business solution provider drawing on several years of experience in this cutting edge market.
As your business needs grow in complexity, you need simplicity and agility in your software.
Our technical knowledge and process lead initiatives enable us to deliver high quality products to our clients, enabling them to concentrate on the business and drive costs down.
We are dynamic, flexible and highly experienced providing scalable solutions regardless of process constraints.
We specialise in Rapid solution development and prototyping with a high emphasis on customer involvement to ensure the solution meets requirements and that requirements meet the clients’ initial vision.
Crazy how you can write five paragraphs yet still say next to nothing.
Got an interesting link, story, or screenshot for Signal vs. Noise? Contact svn [at] 37signals [dot] com.
Scott Meade
on 18 Jun 07Another example of buzzword usage; from a local school’s website:
Copper Mesa Elementary is dedicated to excellence in education and is committed to being an exemplary community of learners. Every child is worthy of a positive, successful learning experience. Our dedication is to create a child-centered environment that encourages risk taking, embraces diversity, and validates the whole child. To promote educational excellence, we will share in the responsibility to foster curiosity and a love of learning. We will model, encourage, and inspire all learners to explore the possibilities of the world around them. Guiding students to reach their personal best, we will provide positive, supportive, challenging, differentiated opportunities for students to demonstrate understanding. We are committed to recognize, value, appreciate, and take pride by celebrating the achievements of all. As a community of learners, leaders, and partners, we are united in our goal to enrich the lives of each child, as he or she becomes a life long learner seeking to reach their fullest potential.
Aaron Powell
on 18 Jun 07Wayne Wadhams’s analysis is pretty good but I don’t remember encountering Philip Marlowe anywhere in Conrad’s grim Africa. I think he means Charles Marlow.
Ryan
on 18 Jun 07Start your own collection: http://skeeterbag.com/images/bags_of_mosquioes.jpg
Nathan Rutman
on 18 Jun 07It seems like biz-to-biz technology copy is the hardest to make sound real. Does anyone have any examples of good copy written by/for a technology company and aimed at business decision-makers. I’ve seen plenty of home-consumer copy recommended, but it seems to me the tone of those examples would scare away a decision-maker in a multi-billion dollar corporation.
Ideas?
Sean Cribbs
on 18 Jun 07Coming from a music background, I can attest that the writing about “Sweet Dreams” is pretty atrocious.
Unfortunately, most music writing is not much better - either highly technical and practically impossible to parse without a score, or flowery and meaningless hermeneutics. Because music is a temporal, experiential, and largely abstract thing, it is very difficult to write about - hence “dancing about architecture”.
Geoff Graham
on 18 Jun 07I just ordered a skeeterbag. My excitement for this product borders on the irrational. If it actual works, I will be elated and astounded.
Re: B2B copy, I agree. It is tough to write. Any suggestions you have for our site (http://www.guildquality.com) are much appreciated.
Personally, I try not to worry about aiming for the decision makers at gargantuan companies, but instead just aim for someone like myself.
Try asking yourself the question, “What does a thoughtful person (with a pretty decent BS detector) find compelling?”
I just went to the biggest B2B company I could think of and looked for some copy. Here’s what IBM wrote for a page targeting CIOs:
“This site showcases insights and perspectives on the issues that matter most to CIOs, including the most important one of all—aligning IT with overall business goals. With equal parts of information and inspiration, the site is your guide to taking your organization—and your career—to the next level.”
I don’t think there’s any biz-babble in there. That’s a great sentence that says what they are doing and speaks as plainly to me (who is def not a CIO for a F500 company) as it would to Eric Schmidt.
ML
on 18 Jun 07Personally, I try not to worry about aiming for the decision makers at gargantuan companies, but instead just aim for someone like myself.
Totally. B2B companies don’t read copy, people read copy.
BigNerd
on 18 Jun 07Nice examples that you’ve collected here.
I follow this kooky blog / store over at Charles & Marie: Modern Living http://www.charlesandmarie.com
Below is an example of their [somewhat] over-the-top product descriptions. They ooze syrupy slick play by play commentary and bloviate their excited findings all wrapped up in a crimson chamois blanket of goodness (that was my impersonation Charles and Marie).
Here is an example from their site:
Make a cameo in this gorgeous chair, created by Phillippe Starck for Kartell. Starck’s radical revision of the classic period chair is a tantalizing blend of curves and linear planes. An archetypal medallion-shaped backrest pours effortlessly into the slightly angled arms and legs. What’s more—the chair is scratchproof and comes in a bevy of translucent, candy-colored finishes.
Put THAT in your [descriptive] pipe and smoke it!
Eric
on 18 Jun 07Just bought a new house. We have screens and everything but the mosquitoes are killing us here.
If this “newfangled” skeeterbag works for this ruby programmer, you bet your ass i’ll be back to thank you!
Rob Poitras
on 19 Jun 07SlingLink Turbo If you’re like most people, you don’t have an Ethernet jack right next to your television – or a hot tub in the living room for that matter. And while having both would be splendid, the SlingLink can at least resolve one of those dilemmas. I like how they relate a network plug in your in your living room to something that used to be the big desire in the 80’s; a hot tub!
Ahmad Alhashemi
on 19 Jun 07This mindless buzzword example looks a lot like what I type on my keyboard when I’m absent minded.
Ross Brown
on 19 Jun 07“Elvis Costello once said writing about music is like dancing about architecture.”
I always thought it was Frank Zappa. Much as I love Costello – it definitely sounds more Zappa-esque to me.
RB
ian
on 19 Jun 07Thanks for the reminder of Skeeterbag. I found the site last year and like he mentions, I just couldn’t believe it would work. Now havig survived last weekend, I am willing to try anything! I live in Winnipeg, famous in Canada for it’s Skeeter problem.
mike
on 19 Jun 07The SkeeterBag website gets my vote for worst website ever. Glad they made the grade here at 37signals.
Maybe someone can trade some web design for a supply or bags…
Craig Moser
on 20 Jun 07Yes, but the “Mosquito Magnet Liberty Plus” looks bad-ass, plus it’s got a “State-of-the-art hybrid power system, Thermoelectric module, & NIMH battery pack”. Take that skeeters!!!
foobar
on 22 Jun 07Bah. It was Frank Zappa, not Elvis Costello. Silly children.
This discussion is closed.